It's been 6 months into 2011. What scares me more than anyone is that I'm still not seeing hell.
I expected 2011 to be filled with frustration, anger, and above all, never ending stress. I'm not experiencing the last one, and it worries me.
Am I not giving it my all?
Anyway I'm thinking of relocating to a new blog site soon. Hopefully, it will be my very own personal space where I can pen my thoughts away from judgmental eyes.
I'm still disgusted with myself. I can't bring myself to forgive my parents for what they did 2 years ago. I still loathed the fact that I hardly see my dad, and relationships with him is deteriorating as years past by. Everyday I come home, see my mum turning into my worst nightmare where sloth and vanity has taken over her soul. And I shrug in disgust. (To tell you how bad, she is even too lazy to take out her cheque book where tuition fees is concern to. Every month is a yelling affair.)
I kept telling myself it's alright, but my heart tells me, I've already lost my mum.
Jesus, what has taken over my family? The parents I knew who read the bible with me everyday is dead. My Brother has long left the faith, my mum deluded with her church going affairs, and my father has been missing from my christian life for 10 years now. My faith hangs on a thin thread, where one more failure could snap it's frail support.
Jesus please teach me to love myself. To respect myself for who I am. 2009 ravaged my believes. I'm a child of god, and I have never acted like one since.
Jesus It's July, and I already know. There's something wrong with me. Today, I had dinner with David and Claire, and it just hit me outside. I'm disgusting. Failed with A's. Failed with my choice of friends. Failed with my choice of relationships. Failed even with my choice of school.
Everything was down hill since 2008.
Every failure seems to be a testament of my incompetence.
Someone once said what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.
Well it's about to kill me.
Jesus, what makes me want to scream...
Is that I can't see you anymore.
