Composure

Today, I've lost my composure.
People are just so selfish.

My family's spirit has long been extinguish.
My dad's miles away, and comes home a changed man
My mum's lethargy is annoying. She'll rather stay home in front of the Television. Her only desire is to fullfill her entertainment
Lets not talk about Joel
cause the word I would use is despicable.

Today, I gave way to him.
He took a foot when given an inch.
End of story.

My family's so torn.
Jesus please help them. You've helped me enough already. PLease help them

Why do good things not last?

Father, why do all good things disappear so quickly.
Why do my enjoyments exists as mere instances, while my sorrows linger for a lifetime?

Jesus, there are days where I wish time would just stop. I wish I could just live in the moment forever.

Cats was awesome father. I wish I could turn back time and relive my post O lvl days.
I still miss the old fun times that we have together.
It was as if I was with another family. I felt security, and most of all, grace.

There are more instances father, which I truely enjoy.
I wish they could simply last forever.

Torn hearts

Jesus, please tear my heart for what tears yours

Purify My heart

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify My heart
Let be as Gold, Pure Gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be Holy
Set apart for you lord

I choose to be Holy
Set apart for you my master
Ready to do your will

Purify Me heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

Refiner's fire
My Heart;s one Desire
Is to be, Holy
Set apart for you lord

I choose to be Holy
Set apart for you my master
ready to do your will

refiner's fire
My Heart's one Desire
Is to be, holy
Set apart for you lord

I choose to be holy
Set apart for you my master
ready to do your will

Jesus, I really feel that I am mean to others. I watch my friends bully this guy from my class, and I just stared. I didn't do much.
I feel jealous, sometimes. I feel jealous of people who can really sit down and study. I can't. I need to make people laugh. I need to make people cry
I need to keep talking.

I feel so jealous of people who can sit down and actually do something. I also feel angry at myself, for sinning again and again.

Father, whenever I quarrel, I walk out feeling angry. But deep down inside, I know that the problem is me. ITS ME. It's my fault for being so overly sensitive. My fault for hating what Cats have become. My fault for fighting with my brother.
I've been thinking about it. When I quarreled with Leroy in secondary school, it was always because I couldn't stand his pride. But it's not his fault. It's mine.
When he brought me to his church, I left skandan. It wasn't his fault. It was mine.
I still feel a little bad with christon, and I can see all the effort Kaylin and Bernice did to integrate me in, but I still didn't like their service.

It's my fault Jesus. IT's Me.
like how it's my fault for bringing up the past.


It's me father. It's not them. The problem lies with me. Father please deal with me. Please teach me to be focus, and to stand up for what I believe in.

I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. I don't want to disappoint anyone. My dad's always missing, and I feel like I don't know him anymore. But when I ditched him that night, refused to talk to him cause he was never there in my life. I could feel the sting in my heart. Feel the disappointment etched in his heart. To know that the son he last saw in primary 6 will never be the same child again.
I hated it. And I let him feel it.
God I so hate myself.
He may be all the way in Shanghai
He may be trying to wish me good luck.
Father help me tell him I'm sorry.
I'm different now.

Jesus, there's an old friend who is bothering me. I'm gonna let you deal with it, while I focus on my A's. Please father. Help me.

The rough

I'm sick. I really am. That's another productive day lost. Or is it?

I gotta stay focus...
Lord please help me.

Anyway, I've been so sad lately. During the august-september period, I keep crying. NOt just because of stress, but because of my relationship with everyone.

I don't like the way I've become.
So everytime I cry, I'll call charmaine or david. And it sucks to sit alone in my bedroom crying knowing your best friends don't pick up.

But amidst the sorrow, my church friends have been pretty supportive.
Even though I haven't been attending church much, They still call me, talk to me.
I got a really nice sms from sam chua, who I hardly even talk to.
Then I got a sms from bernice praying for me.
And then Kaylin encouraging me.

I know they sound pretty superficial, but it really means alot now.
I don't want to cry anymore.

Father, hear my prayer. Uphold me and help me.
Jesus please...
I don't want to fall apart when the A's arrive

The curtains close

First of all, happy birthday Bernice.
I so gotta blog about this. Today, of all days, I decided to catch up with a couple of friends. I called charmaine (again no reply) and then Bernice.
And it so happened that it was Bernice BIRTHDAY ON THT DAY!

OMG of ALL DAYS!

so yes. I started out my friday well. I'm proud to say that I manage to study chemistry, catch up and sleep all by two.

Then hell started.

I woke up sick. Decided to go to school. Got attitude from my form teacher. Decided to ignore that sweet, old opinionated teacher.
Sure, no prob.

I blew through one full day downing bottles after bottle of water. Must have drank over 3 litres caused I visited the toilet so many times I literally counted the number of tiles on the toilet floor.

Then we had physics "after school programme" Sucks? Guess what? I fell down the stairs on my way down to the ground floor.

Anyway, my friday wasn't all bad. I used to have a rift with one of my closest friend. So last friday I wrote her a note.
I only managed to pass it on wednesday. Come friday, I got a reply letter.

Here's the thing about girls.
They make notes look so dang cool. My note was written in pencil on a blue colored sheet of paper torn from my notebook.

She returned a note that looked like it cost ten times more than my whole notebook.
PLus, she wrote in different colored pen, with neat handwriting. Plus it was neatly folded. Way better than my makeshift stapled letter.

But I'm pretty happy of what happened. I've been praying for her for a really long time.
So I'm going to end with one word.
Glad.

Wack it

Hi. I'm a piece of maths paper. See, I'm full of problems. Like literally. Well, I'm pretty much a sadist. I like to see people cringe when they see me. Haha, the look on their face is just priceless.
Especially question 8. People can cry when they turn to that page.

I hate muggers. cause they write really long answers, and they used those old piece of crappy ink pens on me.

I prefer those who leave me clean and untouched.

Then there are the idiots that love to use those disgusting white liquid on me. Yuck. Have you tried applying that to yourself people!

Furthermore, if I'm unlucky, I may be ripped to pieces. I've known brothers who have seen the bad end of a paper shredder. really.

Point of this stupid story: You're better to be a student that to be a piece of crappy exam paper.
So don't fret.

Man, I should really share this story with the world.
Author: John Ng.

Now that you're near

Jesus help me

I've never been so unprepared for a test. I've never been so angry at myself.
I'm totally unprepared for the prelims.
I don't even know why I'm doing this.

Jesus months ago I promised, no matter what the cost, I'll live for you. No matter what it takes. I may stumble and fall. I may falter and cry.

But father please be there when I fall.

So when I fall, I won't be alone.

Jesus, I'm holding out right now. I'm pushing myself harder and further than ever before. Jesus bless me with wisdom and strength.

Jesus I'm yours. Please, guide my life

The horror

I really feel like screaming at the top of my lungs now.
My mind refuses to sit down for more than an hour and study. What IS THIS?

A lvls are coming. Check.

You are not studying... Check.

You are going to grow up to be a failure? ~ check?

I dunno.
I really need to sit down and organize my thoughts.

As we gather to seek your face

Father of creation, unfold your sovereign plan
Raise up a chosen generation
That will march through the land
All of creation is longing
For your unveiling of power
Would you release your anointing
Oh God let this be the hour

Let your glory fall in this room
Let it go forth from here to the nations
Let your fragrance rest in this place
As we gather to seek your face

Ruler of the nations the world has yet to see
The full release of your promise
The church in victory
Turn to us Lord and touch us
Make us strong in your might
Overcome our weakness
That we could stand up and fight

Let your kingdom come
Let your will be done
Let us see on earth
The glory of your son

Breakdown

Although this isn't one of those experiences I wanna talk about, but I feel that I need to log it into the files of "stupid things done"

I finally passed the photocopied notes over to my friend.
Yes, it's kinda late. I'm not gonna push blames. Fact was, I could have done it myself.
I did not.

I entrusted my best friend to pass get it on tuesday.

Yeah right.

Now it's too late for regrets.
Fact 1: I'm unhappy with my best friend cause he took something personally important lightly.
Not the first time. But as a christian, and your best friend happens to be a jerk. What do you do?

Fact 2: I love to avoid things. Anything I don't like, I simply skip.

Yeah, I know. Bad habit.

Fact 3: Having many best friends around is totally pointless unless you have 1 that truely cares about your problems.

>.> I feel like the biggest idiot right now.
I care so much about friendship, time, money and effort is not a problem. If only the opposite was true....

Okay, ranting is sinful. Shall not rant anymore. It's disgusting anyway.

So anyway, I sat on my bed and did what david did best.
I kept singing, "i adore" by reuben morgan. Beautiful song.
Must have sat down and sang 8-9 times. cause two hours flew past and my throat was sore....

Why I sing

I wrote three letters.
Two to jesus.
One to me.

Now one of them is missing.

So I gotta write one more. Funny though, I know it's here somewhere.

Anyway, I've finally been working hard. And I'm yet again reminded that I'm nothing without God.

When I'm down, the first thing I do is ask god for comfort, and honesty.
But how often do I praise him when I'm sad or dejected. All I do is ask.
So even though I'm depressed right now... I'm still going to sing.

One day when I get to see Jesus in Heaven, and he asks me why I'm special.
I'm going to tell him that I'm the one that one that sings with joy when I have a problem.

Tranquility

Sometimes I really need to sit down with God.

I kinda spent my weekends away from books. No senseless mugging. No formulas or equations...

I really miss my time with God. I've been so caught up with my homework and the impending prelims that I forgot why I left the other church in the first place.

I wanna spend more time with God.

So I sat down on my bed and thought.

How often do I actually really sit down and talk with God?

How often do I commit my time with my actual father?

Yes, studying is important. But right now, all I wanna do is to be with Jesus.

In church today, I was thinking only idiots will be Christians because their lives seems to get harder.
But I'm kinda glad I am who I really am. Theres so many things being a christian gives.
So much more

Guilt and resolution

I'm such an ass. I'm pissed off, not because I've let myself down. But I let others down as well.
Here's what happened yesterday. I borrowed my friend's physics notes to photocopy. She passed me her whole stack, and I left it in school after my maths time trial, along with some of my books.

I called one of my friends to go over and find. He found my books. No friend's physics notes. If it was my book that was missing, I'll be totally okay.

But it was someone's else!

I'm so bedridden with guilt, i don't know what to say.

It's been one day already, and the notes are still at large. I sincerely wish that someone can do the right thing and bring the notes back tomorrow.

I really went to school today, totally over this whole thing. But when my best friend asked me today.... I totally feel like a total ass.

Why can't I keep things in place? why am I so blur?

I'm close to dead, but friends with everyone.
But I'll pray every night. And I'll pray that the notes gets returned.
Don't fall for what the world has to offer. Don't fall for the traps that lie in wait.

Believe in god, and he will give you strength.

For whoever asks for power will get power.
Whoever asks for strength will receive strength.
Whoever asks for salvation will get GOD.

English

Yup. English truly is a beautiful language.
It's mentally engaging, comfortable to use, and if mastered, could ring in the bull with the golden horns.

My best friends describe my English as horrendous. In fact, words such as lousy and inappropriate had their fair share of the lime light.

So I'm going to do what I did when I was studying for my O's.

Blog.

It worked in the past when my English was steering downhill. It could work again.
Most of my classmates are more comfortable with mandarin, hence getting an active and mentally engaging English conversation is rare, and nearly unheard of.

Conversation aside, I hardly use write anything in english. Everything's structures and equations.

Not a comfortable thought knowing that my hidden forte is slanted towards the English language.

I'm not sure if my English could even compete on the even grounds as David, but with effort, I'm certain I can beef up my competency to match the Americans.

So here I am, writing away, typing listlessly in a resounding hope that my efforts will not go in vain. I'm waiting for rain. Hope it does.

Why does time pass so quickly?

I have a sword.
I have a bow.
I have a staff.
But I have no courage.

You know one of those moments where You just don't feel like doing anything. That's how I feel right now.

The subject

Here's what I did. I wrote a profile all about what I like and don't like on this blog.

Then selected all

And hit the backspace button.

I have no idea why. I don't wanna be a typical teenager and talk about my typical life.
So lets talk about crazy stuff.

My best friend told me he played a t 75 min long dota match. wth.

I went to tan tock seng to get my eyes checked on tuesday. I got my eyes dilated, and the doctor told me that I wouldn't be able to seee for 6 hours.

I was like...... WHHHAAAAT?

And then she told me that everything would be extremely blur.
She wasn't kidding. I walked into the glass door while walking out for lunch

The guard looked at me like an idiot.

And I walked into the same glass door while coming back. OUCH

Disgusted

I'm disgusted with a lot of people. I'm disgusted with a certain girl but shall not name who.

I'm disgusted with the education system.

I'm disgusted with loads of stuff. I don't know where to start.

Why are there people in the world who acts so childishly?
Why are there idiots in this world who pretends to be bimbos (no, not you char)
Why are there asses in this world who assumes about everything.

Where are the good old nature guys who genuinely want to make the world a better place.
Oh, I know, probably getting suckered by those devilish pompous bimbos.

double blog

I'm starting to see a trend. I put some random "fake" post on my old blog, and then come here and really start blogging.

Anyway, I so missed the life in america. Everyone's so right brain. Even the geek in my class back then can talk better than 3/4 of my class mates.

I really miss the times where I can go home, slack on the sofa, eat tacos from taco bells, go climb the tree in anne's backyard and play devil's tree house with her.

I miss jumping on my bed with my shoes on (it's normal to wear shoes at home in america)

I miss slacking in the cafeteria with jeffrey and scamming the lunch lady to part with an extra portion of potato.

Singapore's just so..... different.

Anyway, viknesh might be moving to america for 2 years. I'm going to miss him. really.
Unless I can convince him to take me along.... hmmmm....

Hate school. Speaking of school

There's this guy in my class that loves anime. Especially the girls.
And sad to say, I really liked anime girls back in secondary school. I had a crush on kallen from code geass and the green haired girl from shuffle.

Now when II'm all grown up (yeah right) I saw the idiocy in that,

Right.... have a crush on a drawing probably concieved on a pizza box.

I never really had a teen celebrity crush. Not even miley cyrus.

But this one takes the cake.



Born 22 july 1992.
favourite color: Green
Name: Selena Gomez
From: DISNEY!


Selena means moon btw.
I first saw her as makayla on hannah montana. Didn't like her much, until I saw princess protection programme. Now I'm watching the whole Wizards of Waverly place series.
Not quite the disney theme, but very refreshing.
Especially with sabrina the teenage witch failing badly.

Princess Protection Programme

Yeah, the latest disney original.

You know how princess diary is about a normal girl becoming a princess?

Well Disney decided to go the other way.

Now's a princess trying to be a normal girl.

Somehow all the disney story plot seems interconnected...

Hannah montana is a girl who tries to blend into the life of a pop singer / normal girl

Princess diaries is a girl who tries to blend into the role of a princess

Pincess protection programme is about a girl who tries to be a normal kid

Somehow disney decided that this is the era of teenage girls.

WHHYYYYYYY????

How am i suppose to get to holy wood...

I loled at the part where rosie walks aaaaaallllll the way in front of the queue, cutting 8 to 9 people and stared expectantly at the lunch lady.

The potential

The old blog has got some potential

Only 3 people know about this blog,

but about 50 others know about the other. I'm wondering how long will people begin to realise I've changed bloglink.

Oh well, I left a couple of clues on my 497th post.

I'll be a good boy on the other blog,

and I'll be me on this one.

This rocks because the school keeps tabs on my old blog.

suckers. =P

Joy

there's no life that's more interesting that those of a christian.

You can see them walking around, you can smell them everywhere, and you know who they are because they are different.

I'm glad I was born a christian. Cause I was born shining.

So I can take that light and sparkle in front of others.

Watch our world. I might just light up your life.

Assurance

I'm watching fighting spiders now....

kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss

oh yeah. she did.

okay, back to blogging.

someday, when I grow up, I'm going to look back at my blogposts and read about my retarded life. 2 things come to mind.

retardedness and humour.

The thermostat

I heard about the thermostat in church yesterday. It was pretty interesting. The thermostat sets the temperature for others to follow.
I've been trying to fit in with the crowd. I've been trying to please people.
And that is holding me back. God doesn't care who I please. God doesn't care about how many friends I make, or how many diplomatic relationship I can foster with the people around me.

He cares about me.

I may have forsaken God, but he has never forsaken me. He's that best friend in my life.

And sometimes, I may have to sacrifice something for god. But what ever I give to god, he'll always give back more than what I have sacrificed. Sometimes, I may not understand why. But as long as my faith rest in him, I have nothing to fear.

I'm going to sacrifice my time with the adventist for the lord.
I don't know why, but I know that it's what the lord's been trying to say to me.
If I want to follow the lord, I may have to make huge sacrifices. This is one of them. =P

And I'm happier now that I made my decision.

Stubborn?

There are two things about yourself that people take for granted.

Things that You see about yourself, and things that people see about you.

The things that you see are easy to change. Just a little precaution, and you can morph your personality to suit the circumstances.

Now the things that you don't see are the things that you have to look out for.

Mine is stubbornness.

And the scary thing? I hardly see it at all.

Today's one good example of the consequences of being stubborn.
And I lost my cell through that.
Heck, now I don't want to talk about it. The memories are still fresh and ever so painful.

I don't like the other blog

I was thinking of giving this blog some life and color. Don't ask why purple though. It's personal. This blog hates the other blog.

Why?

cause the other blog fell short on it's aim.

I created the other blog as a reminder for past memories, under white clouds gathering, or thunderstorm congenial. But what happened was that the blog acted as a medium for flamings, undesirable rantings, emotional contemplation and many more.

So here's to this new blog which currently no one knows. ( I hope) Somehow, I have the feeling that this blog needs better security from prying eyes.

So anyway, I finally caught Night at the museum 2 last night with a friend.
What impressed me most wasn't the comedy, but the professional acting that Ben Stiller displayed. My love for comedies and my appreciation for acting made the night trip worthwhile, although it meant sacrificing precious homework time at night.

Pharaoh: Any questions?

Ivan the terrible: Yeah. Is that a dress You're wearing?

Pharaoh: No, it's a tunic, and I quite assure you it was the height of fashion 300 years ago. Now, any more questions?

Gangster: yeah. Do we have to wear a dress if we join you?

Pharaoh: *rolls eyes* NO. And it's a tunic! Now any more questions?

Napolean : *raises hand*

Pharaoh: ...which has nothing to do with the dress I'm wearing

Napolean: *puts down hand*