2011

I seem to be blogging every half a year. I don't know whether this is a good thing. I usually defer to blogging whenever I'm down.

It's been 6 months into 2011. What scares me more than anyone is that I'm still not seeing hell.

I expected 2011 to be filled with frustration, anger, and above all, never ending stress. I'm not experiencing the last one, and it worries me.

Am I not giving it my all?

Anyway I'm thinking of relocating to a new blog site soon. Hopefully, it will be my very own personal space where I can pen my thoughts away from judgmental eyes.

I'm still disgusted with myself. I can't bring myself to forgive my parents for what they did 2 years ago. I still loathed the fact that I hardly see my dad, and relationships with him is deteriorating as years past by. Everyday I come home, see my mum turning into my worst nightmare where sloth and vanity has taken over her soul. And I shrug in disgust. (To tell you how bad, she is even too lazy to take out her cheque book where tuition fees is concern to. Every month is a yelling affair.)

I kept telling myself it's alright, but my heart tells me, I've already lost my mum.

Jesus, what has taken over my family? The parents I knew who read the bible with me everyday is dead. My Brother has long left the faith, my mum deluded with her church going affairs, and my father has been missing from my christian life for 10 years now. My faith hangs on a thin thread, where one more failure could snap it's frail support.

Jesus please teach me to love myself. To respect myself for who I am. 2009 ravaged my believes. I'm a child of god, and I have never acted like one since.

Jesus It's July, and I already know. There's something wrong with me. Today, I had dinner with David and Claire, and it just hit me outside. I'm disgusting. Failed with A's. Failed with my choice of friends. Failed with my choice of relationships. Failed even with my choice of school.

Everything was down hill since 2008.

Every failure seems to be a testament of my incompetence.

Someone once said what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Well it's about to kill me.

Jesus, what makes me want to scream...

Is that I can't see you anymore.

I'm back

Alright, back from a long break. Well, basically the trend is twitter and facebook. Gone are the days where people actually bother to write a worthy post. Well, that's a post for another time.

So see that last post below? Well, from that period, to now....
11 months....
I've basically plunge into darkness, screamed in despair, fell into the devil's hand, almost stopped going to church entirely, and isolated my social life. All because of my results on that faithful day.
Then somewhere around august, my life turned. God pulled me out of my sorrow, and put me back on my feet. I'm still reeling from the aftermath, but it took one hellish experience before I realise that god CARES.
I'm still sinning, still doing the same old wrong thing I've been doing.
But I woke up.
Life's that simple.
What happened isn't going to change.
And it never will.
So Move on.
I'm done with superficial relationships.
I'm done with friends that can go from best mates to just hi-bye.
but this first post shouldn't be about ranting. I can't be bothered to delete my previous post.
And that just made me realise that is what life is. You can't hit backspace.
Once you write it down, it's THERE.
The smart thinks of what to write.
The smarter realises what the smart writes, and writes it anyway.

So anyway, i did want to put this up. As a little reminder for future endeavors.

I went into army, and got a shitty vocation. No kidding. A shitty one.
So I prayed in bunk when nobody's looking.
I prayed and prayed.
And finally one night, I started to wonder if God was really listening.
So I turned away from him.

And that's when God called me back.
He reposted me to Intel.
Got me my dream vocation at a dream location.
Got me better friends than the last in BMTC
and gave me the opportunity for a second shot.

Everything was perfect. I couldnt think of anything worse.
If there was one thing I knew god was working in my life. It was this. I didn't get lucky. Perfect sounded more like God.

So if you ever stumble upon this post.
I want you to know that I have nearly commited almost every sin I vowed not to commit.
Gone through hell.
But got saved at my darkest moment.
I OWE this to god. I OWE him one.
Stop deluding yourself with visions of failure.
Even the intellectuals don't have the answer to everything.
So don't be dishearten.
You're alright.
As long as you don't lose believe.
You won't lose hope.

Composure

Today, I've lost my composure.
People are just so selfish.

My family's spirit has long been extinguish.
My dad's miles away, and comes home a changed man
My mum's lethargy is annoying. She'll rather stay home in front of the Television. Her only desire is to fullfill her entertainment
Lets not talk about Joel
cause the word I would use is despicable.

Today, I gave way to him.
He took a foot when given an inch.
End of story.

My family's so torn.
Jesus please help them. You've helped me enough already. PLease help them

Why do good things not last?

Father, why do all good things disappear so quickly.
Why do my enjoyments exists as mere instances, while my sorrows linger for a lifetime?

Jesus, there are days where I wish time would just stop. I wish I could just live in the moment forever.

Cats was awesome father. I wish I could turn back time and relive my post O lvl days.
I still miss the old fun times that we have together.
It was as if I was with another family. I felt security, and most of all, grace.

There are more instances father, which I truely enjoy.
I wish they could simply last forever.

Torn hearts

Jesus, please tear my heart for what tears yours

Purify My heart

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify My heart
Let be as Gold, Pure Gold

Refiner's fire
My heart's one desire
Is to be Holy
Set apart for you lord

I choose to be Holy
Set apart for you my master
Ready to do your will

Purify Me heart
Cleanse me from within
And make me holy
Purify my heart
Cleanse me from my sin
Deep within

Refiner's fire
My Heart;s one Desire
Is to be, Holy
Set apart for you lord

I choose to be Holy
Set apart for you my master
ready to do your will

refiner's fire
My Heart's one Desire
Is to be, holy
Set apart for you lord

I choose to be holy
Set apart for you my master
ready to do your will

Jesus, I really feel that I am mean to others. I watch my friends bully this guy from my class, and I just stared. I didn't do much.
I feel jealous, sometimes. I feel jealous of people who can really sit down and study. I can't. I need to make people laugh. I need to make people cry
I need to keep talking.

I feel so jealous of people who can sit down and actually do something. I also feel angry at myself, for sinning again and again.

Father, whenever I quarrel, I walk out feeling angry. But deep down inside, I know that the problem is me. ITS ME. It's my fault for being so overly sensitive. My fault for hating what Cats have become. My fault for fighting with my brother.
I've been thinking about it. When I quarreled with Leroy in secondary school, it was always because I couldn't stand his pride. But it's not his fault. It's mine.
When he brought me to his church, I left skandan. It wasn't his fault. It was mine.
I still feel a little bad with christon, and I can see all the effort Kaylin and Bernice did to integrate me in, but I still didn't like their service.

It's my fault Jesus. IT's Me.
like how it's my fault for bringing up the past.


It's me father. It's not them. The problem lies with me. Father please deal with me. Please teach me to be focus, and to stand up for what I believe in.

I don't want to hurt anybody anymore. I don't want to disappoint anyone. My dad's always missing, and I feel like I don't know him anymore. But when I ditched him that night, refused to talk to him cause he was never there in my life. I could feel the sting in my heart. Feel the disappointment etched in his heart. To know that the son he last saw in primary 6 will never be the same child again.
I hated it. And I let him feel it.
God I so hate myself.
He may be all the way in Shanghai
He may be trying to wish me good luck.
Father help me tell him I'm sorry.
I'm different now.

Jesus, there's an old friend who is bothering me. I'm gonna let you deal with it, while I focus on my A's. Please father. Help me.

The rough

I'm sick. I really am. That's another productive day lost. Or is it?

I gotta stay focus...
Lord please help me.

Anyway, I've been so sad lately. During the august-september period, I keep crying. NOt just because of stress, but because of my relationship with everyone.

I don't like the way I've become.
So everytime I cry, I'll call charmaine or david. And it sucks to sit alone in my bedroom crying knowing your best friends don't pick up.

But amidst the sorrow, my church friends have been pretty supportive.
Even though I haven't been attending church much, They still call me, talk to me.
I got a really nice sms from sam chua, who I hardly even talk to.
Then I got a sms from bernice praying for me.
And then Kaylin encouraging me.

I know they sound pretty superficial, but it really means alot now.
I don't want to cry anymore.

Father, hear my prayer. Uphold me and help me.
Jesus please...
I don't want to fall apart when the A's arrive